One More Time (again!)

One more day to go

2008-08-03T12:43:00.001-07:00

Well, I am really trying to cut down on my food intake over today and tomorrow as this will help me get in to ketosis quicker and hopefully help the withdrawal symptoms i encountered last time not to be quite so severe.

This is a bit of a difference for me as before when i did it, I really went to town the last few days before i started as i looked upon it as my 'last chance' to eat nice stuff. But i really have reached the point this time where the stuff isn't 'nice' anymore - it is making me very unhappy so I don't like it very much!I suppose you could say me and the drap 'food' i eat have officially fallen out!

My counsellor is coming round at 5 tomorrow so I will post after he has been. Actually really looking forward to Tuesday and finally being free!

2008-08-02T12:21:00.001-07:00

I have been thinking a lot about why I gave up last time and I think it was a combination of a few things: firstly I thought the hardest part was the first couple of days (so I had been told) before ketosis kicks in, so it was a bit of a shock when i felt so bloody awful on day 6 - I guess I thought i had got away with it! The other thing is i think i started on it for the wrong reasons. Even though I was morbidy obese, I was (and still am) an active girl who walked everywhere, went to the gym and didn't really have the compliants many people my size do. So i was losing weight really to please my family and look nice at my wedding, rather than just doing it because I needed to and more importantly, really wanted to.

So what has changed? Well, a strange calmness has descended on me since getting married - its the added security I guess (not that I was insecure in my relationship before) and I made the conscious decision to look out for me a bit more, instead of trying to please everyone else, often to my own detriment.

I also know that not having mobility and other health problems at my current weight, makes me lucky and its not okay to keep thinking I'll be this lucky for much longer. I am 28 which means at the moment age is on my side, but not for long. So basically, my luck is running out.

Plus the other thing is, even though it is not impacting on my mobility severely (although it does obviously have an impact - i can't run anywhere and my feet, back and knees ache when I get in from work), my weight has a huge impact on my emotional well-being. I rarely go out to parties because it is such a hassle worrying about what i am going to wear and whether people will be calling me fat behind my back that I always make excuses. I know my husband must get fed up with telling people I have a headache, or I am feeling sick and so couldn't make it.

I certainly haven't been out pubbing/clubbing for years and even though it doesn't appeal to me as much now I am a bit older, I long to just got out, feeling a million dollars and dance the night away without a care in the world!

I have been feeling more and more strongly that I need to take control of my life and start doing some of the things I have been missing out on all these years. I looked in to gastric bypass surgery, but the idea has never sat well with me. For a start, it is permanent and you have to take vitamins for the rest of my life. Also, I read up on it and there's a 1 in 100 chance of me dying from it.

So, after a long think and lots of internet searching/reading I have decided to give Cambridge another go. I feel a lot more forewarned this time and I am trying to view this as a choice, rather than something I am trapped doing.

My new CDC travels to my house which is a bonus so he is coming Monday and I am satrting Tuesday. My husband is away from Tuesday night to wednesday the following week so my first aim is to be able to tell him i got through the first 9 days when he gets back.

Anyway, enough rambling! Time for tea... :-) xx

Well, I'm back again!

2008-08-02T09:59:00.000-07:00

I feel awful reading my previous posts as I seemed so enthusiastic! As you might have guessed I gave up doing the CD after only 6 days. I found it so very hard and went through the classic 'I can just go back to SW and do it properly instead of torturing myself on this mad diet' train of thought and talking myself (very easily) in to giving up on CD.

I think there were also several others reason why i failed that time - I'll go in to them more later, but hence to say I am starting CD on Tuesday and this time there is no question in my mind about whether i will succeed or not.

I intend to post regularly on here as I find other people's so interesting, although if no-one reads this I really don't mind - it is just nice having somewhere to pour your heart out to each day!

Wedding

2007-05-13T07:09:00.000-07:00

I've realised I haven't mentioned a big event in my life which is coming up soon - I am tying the knot on 1st September this year.

Everyone I've told about this diet has said 'oh, you're doing it for your wedding'. But, I have to say I'm not. Obviously, the more weight I can shift before then is a bonus and will stop me looking back at the photos and screaming, but quite honestly, my man has seen me size 12 to 30 and every size in-between. He knows what I look like and thank god, still wants to marry me! Also, all my friends are diamonds and I know we're going to have a smashing day whatever size I get down to.

The reason I am doing this diet is to get my life back. My addiction to food is something I am going to have to manage with for the rest of my life so it goes way beyond my wedding. Once I have reached my target on the CD I am going to join SW straight away and as I say in the title bar of my blog I am never, ever going to put myself through the torture of being overweight again.

Day 5

2007-05-13T07:03:00.000-07:00

You will be please to hear I am feeling a lot better today. No bitch from hell moments and all is calm in the house.

I weighed myself this morning (my one 'allowed' in-between weigh) and I was pleasantly surprised with the results. I won't curse myself by writing them down, plus since I weigh in the evening with my CDC the water/shakes during the day will probably bump it up. But I do have another 2 1/2 days to go until weigh-in (Tuesday) so fingers crossed I will have lost at least the amount I had this morning.

My mum pointed out to me today that generally, a stone lost = 1 clothes size down. So that means in another week I could be in to clothes a size smaller! That is just amazing. I know once that starts happening it will be really strong positive reinforcement for what I'm doing.

Might post this evening, if not I will tomorrow

Bye bye :-)

2007-05-12T13:42:00.000-07:00

Well it is coming to the end of Day 4 and I have to say this has been the hardest day so far. It has, however been quite interesting to me and I've learnt a bit more about my eating today.

Basically, I have been bored today. It has been raining hard most of the day (I don't know why this makes a difference, but it does) and I have felt really down.

I took my little doggie for walk earlier as he was bored too (evident by him eying up my shoes and licking his lips) and as I was trudging through the rain I tried to think why I was feeling so crap. I realised that normally on a day like this I would buy a big pile of tut (crisps, choccy, cakes etc) and some magazines and my day would be spent in bed or on the sofa eating as there was nothing else to do. I felt down because I couldn't do this.

I came home and my other half informed me that his mates were coming round for a chinese tonight which made me angry (not at all justified - they have to eat, I just wanted to shout at him!).

Anyway, I have had my two remaining shakes in one just now and I have come up here to pour my heart out. I am feeling a lot better.

I realise from my moping earlier that the reason I have felt so down is because I feel like I have missed out today. Its like when you give up smoking (I have tried and failed at this several times), you see people smoking and think 'lucky them'. You feel sorry for yourself because you can't do it as well.

But, as my partner tried to helpfully point out earlier I have had my 'treats' already for the next year (probably the next ten years to be honest) so I shouldn't feel like I have missed out.

In the spirit of hereigoagain, this is a list of things I would have eaten today (but didn't):

1 x giant bar of Galaxy
4 x Packets of Walkers French Fries or Monster Munch
2/3rds of a french stick with lots of butter and several ozs of Seriously Strong Cheddar
Either a pack of cakes or some more chocolate
A very large helping of chinese followed by chocolate ice-cream
Bowl of cereal before bed

I have to say that I wouldn't eat like this every day, but at least once a week (I recognised some time ago that I am a binge eater). Add in the odd lunch out at work and a few choccy bars and sandwiches for my lunches during the rest of the week and you get to be nearly 26 stone!

So, to summarise - I am glad I have got through my fourth day but I have found it hard and I hope the next 3 days before I weigh-in are happier ones.

Bye to all :-)

2007-05-11T14:36:00.000-07:00

Well, Day 3 is nearly over and I am feeling good. I haven't drunk enough water today although this is largely due to falling asleep this afternoon for 4 hours!! I had the day off work but got up early to take my big sis into work as a surprise as it was raining and I hadn't seen her a while; I think a few late nights and early mornings in a row have caught up with me today.

I think because of the lack of water I have felt slightly hungrier today, but it wasn't too bad. Just a very musical tummy! I will make sure I up my water intake tomorrow to make up for today. I think I have drunk about 4L but I am trying to aim for at least 5.

Off for a fag and another pint of water before bed (not forgetting the 45 trips to the toilet before I actually fall asleep!!).

Goodnight all :-)

Day 3

2007-05-11T02:08:00.000-07:00

I rang my CDC last night and asked if I could go and swap my soups/shakes of different flavours for all choco-mint as I tried a couple more flavours yesterday during the day and I still found them hard to take down. Unfortunately, I am one of those people who is not good at drinking/eating things I don't like much and it usually ends up re-appearing so managing to keep the meal packs down was worrying me a bit!

Anyway, my CDC was brilliant (I am so impressed with her - she is so good at what she does!) and let me swap them all. Then she asked if I wanted to pop on the scales; I was thinking about weighing myself yesterday but I stopped short of getting on the scales as I thought there would be no point as I hadn't even been doing the diet 2 whole days yet. But as soon as she asked I jumped at the chance!

So I pee'd on a stick and was very chuffed to find I was in a full state of ketosis - already! I knew I has felt so much better on day 2 so that must have been why.

So I got on the scales and in under 2 days of doing this diet I had lost...6lbs!!! I couldn't believe it! My CDC said I was on track for a really good loss on my 'official' weigh-in next Tuesday.

I have to say I am feeling so good already - I am drink 5L of water a day and I have more energy already. The only slightly odd day was Day 1 but even then it wasn't bad at all. I have been waiting for this 'wall' to appear that I have to conquer in the first few days but to be honest I am starting to think that was Day 1. I am sleeping better already and I haven't had a headache/joint ache since Day 1 either.

I made my other half a crispy bacon sandwich this morning and it really didn't bother me. Did nearly lick the splodge of mayo that landed on my finger but that is just force of habit!

I really do hope I remain feeling this good (or better?) throughout the diet as if this is as hard as it gets, I am going to be squeezing into those size 12's before you know it!

I am sure I'll still have 'off' days but doesn't everyone who's not on a diet anyway? Plus I counter-act them by dreaming about my new wardrobe (plus handbags and shoes to match!)...

Love to all

:-)

Day 2

2007-05-09T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what I made of yesterday really; I don't think it was actually as bad as I thought although I was anxious all day due to the fact that the foodpacks I had (Coffee, vegetable soup and Toffee & Walnut) really weren't that great. I was worried all day and last night that I was going to have to force them down and even though I would have done it, it wasn't a pleasurable prospect! Also, felt faint on and off all day but I just drank water and it passed quite quickly.

Anyway, I am on a high this morning as I just made up the Chocolate Mint in my Frothy Maker and it was delicious! I would even go so far as to say I would buy it if it was a normal milkshake. I am so chuffed. It means two things a) There may be others that I like (I was starting to assume they were all a bit nasty) and b) even if there's not, I am very happy just to have the choco mint all the time as I love it! I feel 'naughty' having it as well which is always a bonus!

Anyway, off to work (late, as my little doggie threw up all over the hallway this morning which has meant extensive bleary-eyed cleaning early this morning!) and I am feeling very good! Its amazing what cheers you up.

Thank god for choco-mint!!!

Bye bye

Day 1

2007-05-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

I went to see my Counsellor last night and I was really impressed with her. She was very nice but also very honest about what I had to do and the reasons for doing it which I appreciated. We talked for quite a while and it was quite interesting really. Then I got my 'meals' and trotted off home.

I have to have 4 meals a day as I am over 5' 8" but I think I am going to struggle with having all of them. My Counsellor said I could cut down to three in the next couple of weeks if I feel I am able to.

I had my first shake this morning - a coffee flavoured one and I am just having some vegetable soup now. They were both alright, although I am not overly impressed at the taste at the moment. I read on someone's blog that they found them a bit off to start with but as their taste buds got used to them, they started to like them. I hope that happens to me!

Even if it doesn't, it doesn't really matter to me what they taste like; I don't have to have them forever and the benefits far outweigh the funny taste!

Off to puff 5 fags (another terrible habit) in a minute as it is lunchtime. Really, I suppose I shouldn't be complaining about bad tasting stuff when I smoke...

All in all I am feeling good and so chuffed I am doing this diet.

Might post again tonight if I get a chance,

Bye for now

One Day To Go

2007-05-08T04:42:00.000-07:00

I am going for my first appointment with my consultant tonight at 7.30 and I am feeling really excited. I know it will be very hard once I start tomorrow but over the last couple of days (since I made the decision to do this) I have been thinking a lot about what success will actually mean to me. It will drastically change my life.

I think I am finally admitting to myself the massive impact my weight has on my life. Before, if you'd asked me I would have said it didn't affect me too much but now I have been thinking about it and I know it totally clouds my existance completely. I know it also has a big impact on people close to me and that is hardest to admit.

A little self-indulgent and everyone will say I shouldn't think too far ahead, but I wonder what it will be like when...

I can have a bath and not form a dam with my enormous bum when I let the water out
I only take up one seat on the bus and the unfortunate person who sits next to me doesn't have to cling on for dear life when we go round 'Death Corner'
I don't think every bit of laughter or sniggering I hear is about me
I actually go out to 'Town' with my boyfriend when I'm asked instead of leaving him to go on his own (although not sure if that will be seen as a bonus by my boyfriend!)
I can have a coffee outside at Costa Coffee (currently their outdoor seats do not accommodate my ample derriere and I get wedged about 4 inches off the seat)
I can wear trousers (I am currently confined to skirts as my legs resemble two giant sacks of King Edwards)

I am sure I will be adding to this list over time!

Anyway, I will taking some photos tonight to post so I will put them on here tomorrow.

Bye bye